THE TIME WHEN MY MIND OPENED (2. GAY LIFE)…….Continuation…….

There were many things I cannot forget that happened in my life because I guess, it’s part of the role I need to play in this life. This was something part of my gay life. I don’t know if my gay personality is obvious when I was a child but as far as I remembered, I used to play with boys and girls in our small village and I haven’t teased as gay with my playmates but I remembered, I was asked by an older lady neighbor if I’m gay or not when I was in Grade 7 (1^st year high school). This was the only encounter I have remembered. Unlike my cousin, he was the one being teased before but he never told me if he was gay and I don’t know why he was constantly teased by our playmates as gay until something happened.

I have many friends in my childhood years and I considered my cousin as the best of them. He was known for being clever not just in our small village but he proved that in every competition in big schools. He taught me a lot with our lessons and I cheated many times because he allowed me to do so. My cousin was actually known in our school and church as clever/smart child. In our family, he was and his siblings were the favorite of my grandmother. All of my cousins have noticed that and we were talking about this many times and we were jealous. My teacher praised him all the time not just because he was smart but also because he was cute and he was always center of attraction in every activity we had in school.

In the church, we had prayer meeting every Wednesday night and we were used to sleep in my cousin’s house. Then other nights either, we slept in my house, in his house or our other cousin’s house. And there was one thing we noticed with our cousin (my best cousin). We didn’t know why he was kept on hugging us. Everyone who slept beside him talked this thing about him. This thing he used to do is until now. I witnessed this myself, he kept on hugging me every time he slept beside me. But I have never felt bad on what he was doing until one time. I remembered, it was daytime after school when we were in Grade 4. He hugged me for long time until we lied on the floor and he kept pushing his body on me while hugging me. Even though we never take off our clothes but that time my mind opened. That incident took quite long time and whenever I remembered that, I was thinking, I guess he cum. I cannot forget that incident throughout my life because that’s the only time my mind opened and I felt weird. That incident didn’t happen again until I was in teenager in Grade 9. He did the same. There were only two events I have remembered, there was other one but it’s different. When I was in Grade 10, I remembered, I got a high fever and I was shocked when he asked me, did someone fuck you because he wondered why I have that high fever and then whispered, “That’s what happened to me when our other cousin fucked me”. We never talked about it, there was time I want but I feel not good to do so. He never told me if he was gay or not but I’m sure, I am.

To be continued...........

My Role in this Life (Gay Life)

MY ROLE IN THIS LIFE (1. GAY LIFE)

The main reason why I’m writing right now is because I’m fucking bored not just my present situation but the life I have now. I have taught to value one’s life because it’s an amazing gift from above but I don’t know why I think my life as inferior. Each of us has burdens and each of us has different or same ways to ease those burdens. I’m from a good family, a religious family and my parents have been teaching me many things in life. Now that I’m 28 years old, I feel like anything happens in my life, I have to face alone and yes I did and I think, I have been like this since my childhood years, I just realize it now. 

 I’m thinking to share a portion of my life. It’s just a portion but it plays a great role in my life and I guess throughout my life. I’m sure that I’m part of the LGBT community because I’m gay. I thought it’s an influence or because of something happened to me when I was a child, or because it’s a curse (fruit of sin, religious aspect) but I’m sure now that I was born and will die as gay person because this is who really am in this life. This is my role and I have been playing it for 28 years already. I don’t know what will happen to my role in 29 years old onwards but I guess I need to play my role as the days come and pass. 

 Part of the event happened in my role was when I did my coming out. Everyone has something noticed in me already because being gay is noticeable I guess but confirmation should be made if the person has confessed already. My parents and siblings have noticed me for sure, I don’t have a formal conversation with them but for sure they know because I’m vulgar with my acceptance/support to the LGBT community because of course I’m one of them. Sometimes when my father has something bad to say about being gay, I stood up to reason out for them because I feel like he is also talking to me.

 I don’t know why I did my coming out to my best friend (straight married man) first, I guess it’s because he is important to me and because I have so much good memories with him. It’s a video that I sent to him and allowed him to share it with his family and the people in the house. Then, I started to be bold in social media by reasoning and fighting for my LGBT views against to those who are against to this. It happened that I’m debating with many people I am close with from the church and I took it personally. So I went out from the church but I know they have good intentions. 

 After my coming out, I started living as who I am and I have encountered many things especially with the relationship aspect. I have in mind that, I have to enter in a relationship same with the standard of the heterosexual people’s way .Gay relationship is labeled as game relationship. You can have relationship with anyone you like that’s why it has known to be as/ with multiple relationship. I think because there’s no standard for us to follow and I guess because of how people perceive this relationship. I have opened my eyes witnessing the bad comment and perception of gay relationship. It has been 3 years since I did my coming out and I don’t have any serious relationships but one thing for sure, I’m serious with my feelings to everyone I attached with. For now, this is the portion that I want to share for today, it’s general but my next writing is something specific with my relationship encounter. In my mind is just want to share this thing for now to ease my boredom but I’m thinking to write again more specific. BTW. just call me Jhong. 

 To be continued…….