I WAS THEN A HOMOPHOBIC (6. GAY LIFE)....... continuation

Sexual orientation has a big impact in everyone’s life. It’s a pattern of feeling to someone you are attracted with. It’s a natural feeling we feel to someone. Majority of the people are attracted to opposite sex that’s why people think this as the standard, natural and everyone is bound to this orientation alone and nothing else. It happened that this sexual orientation of mine was toward sex same. I knew it the moment my heart started to have attraction to someone. I knew it when I was still a child. But, it was so unfortunate and I was so disappointed that the people surround me didn’t agree this kind of feeling. Yes, I have witnessed and opened my mind knowing people were against this kind of orientation.

I have grown up knowing this as unnatural, a sin (fruit of sin), a curse, a mental illness, a choice and many more from my parents, churches, and the society itself. I have grown up hating this kind of thing. Since I fully knew from the start that this was me, also, I have developed hate of myself. I have always asked God, why me, why I’m part of them, why this happened to me. I have always prayed of change. Many times I deceived myself that I’m not this kind of person anymore. I acted straight but it ended the same. I was then a homophobic; I tried to avoid people like them because they were products of sin. I have grown up with so much negative thoughts in mind because the main reason was I’m one of them. I fully knew that I never changed even how faithful I am to my beliefs and how honest/sincere I am for a change. I am in the church and I deceived them all not because my faith was unreal but because they knew me oppositely.

I grew up as a Christian. Church was my life. I fully knew our doctrines. Homosexuality is a sin. The church doctrine kept on teaching this and no one born this way. Homosexual people need to change and should never practice this thing. So, every time I was attracted to same sex, I have always rebuked myself and since it was still the same next day, I kept on rebuking myself. It was then a major struggle of my life. I have never attracted to any girls. Well, I tried but never been even once. I was thinking then, the right of liking and loving someone was denied/ withheld for me. Even though, I was thinking like this but I can’t help myself loving someone. That’s why this was the major sin I have asked forgiveness every time I prayed. This was the only sin I have used to pray and ask forgiveness from God.

These hate, homophobia, and negative thoughts were totally stopped when I was 25 years old. I gave up my struggle partly because I chose to follow my love and totally accepted myself that I am born this way. I did my coming out and started to live as homosexual person. I started to study gay Christian views and at last I totally accepted myself as who really am. Heterosexual people will surely think this as my choice and they are right. I chose to accept myself. I chose to live the life I should have. I chose to be a gay Christian. Out of these choices I chose, I have never chosen to be born as gay and I have never chosen to have attraction toward same sex. If only I have to choose.

To be continued…….

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The-time-when-my-mind-opened-gay

The-best-thing-ever-happened-in-my-life

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MY FIRST-LIVE IN PARTNER (5. GAY LIFE)....Continuation....

I was in Thailand when I did my coming out. So, I have never had any intimate relationships when I was in the Philippines. In Thailand, there were so many first experiences I had. I had my first boyfriend, first sex experience and first live-in partner in the Land of Smile. After seven years of living together with my best friend, I have decided to go to Thailand for teaching work. I had so many unforgettable moments in this country. One of these was when I had someone living with me. His name was Ball. Yes, we met at the church because he was one of the children helped/supported by the church. His mother still alive but cannot fully support with their (siblings) studies. I met him when he was 17 years old (Grade 11).

He was handsome, tall and friendly. These first impressions were actually his personalities. Among all the children, he got my attention first. He had taught us (with my friends) many things in Thailand especially how to speak the language. Since he was so friendly, I think of him as my younger brother than a crush. After couple of months, I was close to the other children and someone got my attention. That young man was 16 years old (Grade 10). His name was Toey (Ball’s closest friend). I liked him so my attention was to him. I gave him extra special treatment among the other children though I did with Ball too but lesser. I tried my best to hide it but many times I failed. My friends had noticed it and even the other children.

One day, my friends talked to me about it but I denied/lied to them because I was staying at the accommodation provided by the church. Ball had noticed my special treatment to Toey, so he asked me about it. I told him the truth and asked him to keep it. The situation took for many months and I was really so closed with Toey. Time came, I moved to another province for teaching work but I visited the church often partly because of him. I liked him so much but I never took advantage on him. With all the special treatment I gave to him, he had helped me with lots of things in return.

I was in other province teaching but I’m always updated with what’s going on at the church. One day, my friend told me that Ball and his younger brother were kicked out from the church. He did violate the rule, many of them but him and his brother were the only kicked out because his mother still alive to take care of them. I felt pity with him. So, I decided to help him with many things. Every time, I visited the church, he fetched me because he was not in the church anymore and he can do and go out anytime. For many times, he did that for me. Since, he stayed at his school’s dorm after he was kicked out from the church, I sometimes slept with him. Starting that time, I called Toey just sometimes because I was with Ball. I called Ball many times and we were talking for an hour, until two hours, and even more than that. I fell in love with him and I told him about it. He said, it was ok for him because I’m good/kind person.  He was Grade 12 that time and preparing for his University. I told him that I might be teaching in Bangkok because I applied a school there and since he was going to be in University so we had decided to stay together.

He graduated in high school and we went to Bangkok staying together. After two months of staying, I got a teaching job but not in Bangkok though it was in nearby province. We looked for an apartment accessible by both us. We found somewhere at the middle. I helped him with so many things because we stayed together and his mother entrusted him to me. There were times we had quarreled and got calls from his mother reminding us to understand each other because we only had ourselves to lean on. There were many quarrels we fixed and solved but since he was in University already and had got many friends, I felt like he gave me less important. That’s what made me sad and caused of our quarrels for many times. Until time came, he had thrown me heavy words which I can’t accept. I told him to get out from the room and never come back. And yes, he did that.

I knew him for a long time and stayed with him for more than a year. I kept on thinking of him. I always asked myself, what if I didn’t let him go. Everything between us was just memories. After 3 months, we contacted each other and met again. We were talking about what happened. He asked forgiveness for those words he had said to me. He didn’t mean it and he was just controlled by his anger. He said, let’s be friends again because when we were friends, we didn’t quarrel that much and expectations were less. Starting that time, we chatted and shared those guys came to our lives. We agreed to let each other see first the guy we are going to build a relationship with and judge that guy if compatible for us.

To be continued……..

My-role-in-this-life-gay-life

The-time-when-my-mind-opened-gay

The-best-thing-ever-happened-in-my-life

Living-together-with-cutest-guy-in-our