What are you looking for? (8. GAY LIFE) .....Continuation

I’ve been using gay apps for many years to chat and if possible for meet ups. I have realized these reasons of mine. I have chatted with many guys and some of them I have met already either for a date or just for a plain hook up. Most of the gays are doing of what I’m doing I guess. In my experience with those gay communication apps, I have always encountered with this question of what are you looking for? Majority of the answer is I wanna have a chat/ a friend then let’s see what will happen. So what might happen may be a chat/call conversation, then a meet up for a date or for some is a casual sex (fun) and after that if you’re into each other then maybe a relationship.

When I was first asked by this question while chatting to a guy, I paused for a moment and I was hesitated to answer cuz I don’t know exactly the reason why. But I realized afterwards that it was just a plain searching for cute and hot guys then chat with them. At some point, I have the interest to meet some of them in person. I was afraid back then but it was actually ok after meeting them. What are you looking for? Everyone is looking for cute and hot guys, isn’t it? The good thing is everyone has that cute and lovable thing; it does just depend if the person you’re chatting with has seen that in you.

The thing I mentioned above is the common thing in gay communication apps. I have realized most of those common reasons of what I’m looking for. I have had a fun chat, call, and even video cam with them. I have met some of them for dates and hook ups. I have had a relationship with the few of them. But these things never lasted for a long time. Right now, there is that thing I’m longing for but I don’t know yet of what it is exactly. That’s why I am asking myself again of what really am I looking for? I have experienced those things I mentioned above and I feel like it’s a waste though I know it’s part of my experiences to learn.

What am I looking for? Right now, there is that thing in my heart but I don’t know what it is yet. I don’t know if I can find it using those gay apps but I wanna try again. How about you? What are you looking for? 

My Online Gay World (7. GAY LIFE)…….Continuation

Online dating apps are very common to everyone either you’re a hetero or a homo. I spend lots of time using different gay dating apps to find someone I would like to chat with, friend with, relationship with or even hook up with. It’s been many years I have been doing this. And yes, many guys I met up because of these different apps. Because of these apps, I had tried an online relationship, I felt like it’s real but the only different was the person wasn’t in person. I thought once was enough but I did it twice. My first online relationship was lasted for 6 months and the second one was for 7 months. I was a bit serious in these relationships but of course, it didn’t work out cuz it was just an online world. Aside from the relationship I had tried, I had some hook ups with someone, and some of them became my friends. I’m not actually into sex date but this thing can’t be avoided, everyone I’m sure can relate to this.

The first app I tried to use is Camfrog (CF), this is the app that I found my second real (in person) gay relationship though it lasted for just 3 months after my more than 2 years serious relationship. The second one is the Planet Romeo, this is the app I found my first online distant relationship. I was into him, I cared for him and he did the same, in fact he still waiting for me ‘til now but I don’t know the feeling is gone in my part. It was a good first online experience so it’s memorable to me. The next is Grindr and Hornet, these apps, I had some real dates and hook ups and two of them became my friends ‘til now. These two people, I really like them. We did couple of dates and nothing happened to us though we had some thought of it but it’s just ‘til there. Then, I tried Blued, I have been using this app for more than a year now and this is the app I found my second online distant relationship and it lasted for 7 months though we haven’t had a closure but I guess it’s done. I don’t know what happened but we just stopped contacting each other.

I’m still using these apps but not that much. Right now, I’m into Fuzz. This app is just more than 2 months since I’m using it. This is the first app that I livestream myself and has got enough gifts from viewers that’s why I’m into it. Since then I had my online relationships, I haven’t started to have relationship again for more than a year now. I don’t know when is my next sincere relationship to someone, I guess I just go with the flow of this life. After all I conclude, real and sincere relationship is so hard to have. Mostly I observed that many of us just fall into these two outcomes, either you may like the person but that person is not into you or that person may like you but you like someone else. Life is full of opposites, conflicts and contradictions. It takes time to have in the same line. So, it’s better to go with the flow of this life and whatever will be, will be. I do believe now that you can’t hold or change your future. Everyone has future intended for them in this life and all we have to do is to play this role in this life. 

I WAS THEN A HOMOPHOBIC (6. GAY LIFE)....... continuation

Sexual orientation has a big impact in everyone’s life. It’s a pattern of feeling to someone you are attracted with. It’s a natural feeling we feel to someone. Majority of the people are attracted to opposite sex that’s why people think this as the standard, natural and everyone is bound to this orientation alone and nothing else. It happened that this sexual orientation of mine was toward sex same. I knew it the moment my heart started to have attraction to someone. I knew it when I was still a child. But, it was so unfortunate and I was so disappointed that the people surround me didn’t agree this kind of feeling. Yes, I have witnessed and opened my mind knowing people were against this kind of orientation.

I have grown up knowing this as unnatural, a sin (fruit of sin), a curse, a mental illness, a choice and many more from my parents, churches, and the society itself. I have grown up hating this kind of thing. Since I fully knew from the start that this was me, also, I have developed hate of myself. I have always asked God, why me, why I’m part of them, why this happened to me. I have always prayed of change. Many times I deceived myself that I’m not this kind of person anymore. I acted straight but it ended the same. I was then a homophobic; I tried to avoid people like them because they were products of sin. I have grown up with so much negative thoughts in mind because the main reason was I’m one of them. I fully knew that I never changed even how faithful I am to my beliefs and how honest/sincere I am for a change. I am in the church and I deceived them all not because my faith was unreal but because they knew me oppositely.

I grew up as a Christian. Church was my life. I fully knew our doctrines. Homosexuality is a sin. The church doctrine kept on teaching this and no one born this way. Homosexual people need to change and should never practice this thing. So, every time I was attracted to same sex, I have always rebuked myself and since it was still the same next day, I kept on rebuking myself. It was then a major struggle of my life. I have never attracted to any girls. Well, I tried but never been even once. I was thinking then, the right of liking and loving someone was denied/ withheld for me. Even though, I was thinking like this but I can’t help myself loving someone. That’s why this was the major sin I have asked forgiveness every time I prayed. This was the only sin I have used to pray and ask forgiveness from God.

These hate, homophobia, and negative thoughts were totally stopped when I was 25 years old. I gave up my struggle partly because I chose to follow my love and totally accepted myself that I am born this way. I did my coming out and started to live as homosexual person. I started to study gay Christian views and at last I totally accepted myself as who really am. Heterosexual people will surely think this as my choice and they are right. I chose to accept myself. I chose to live the life I should have. I chose to be a gay Christian. Out of these choices I chose, I have never chosen to be born as gay and I have never chosen to have attraction toward same sex. If only I have to choose.

To be continued…….

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MY FIRST-LIVE IN PARTNER (5. GAY LIFE)....Continuation....

I was in Thailand when I did my coming out. So, I have never had any intimate relationships when I was in the Philippines. In Thailand, there were so many first experiences I had. I had my first boyfriend, first sex experience and first live-in partner in the Land of Smile. After seven years of living together with my best friend, I have decided to go to Thailand for teaching work. I had so many unforgettable moments in this country. One of these was when I had someone living with me. His name was Ball. Yes, we met at the church because he was one of the children helped/supported by the church. His mother still alive but cannot fully support with their (siblings) studies. I met him when he was 17 years old (Grade 11).

He was handsome, tall and friendly. These first impressions were actually his personalities. Among all the children, he got my attention first. He had taught us (with my friends) many things in Thailand especially how to speak the language. Since he was so friendly, I think of him as my younger brother than a crush. After couple of months, I was close to the other children and someone got my attention. That young man was 16 years old (Grade 10). His name was Toey (Ball’s closest friend). I liked him so my attention was to him. I gave him extra special treatment among the other children though I did with Ball too but lesser. I tried my best to hide it but many times I failed. My friends had noticed it and even the other children.

One day, my friends talked to me about it but I denied/lied to them because I was staying at the accommodation provided by the church. Ball had noticed my special treatment to Toey, so he asked me about it. I told him the truth and asked him to keep it. The situation took for many months and I was really so closed with Toey. Time came, I moved to another province for teaching work but I visited the church often partly because of him. I liked him so much but I never took advantage on him. With all the special treatment I gave to him, he had helped me with lots of things in return.

I was in other province teaching but I’m always updated with what’s going on at the church. One day, my friend told me that Ball and his younger brother were kicked out from the church. He did violate the rule, many of them but him and his brother were the only kicked out because his mother still alive to take care of them. I felt pity with him. So, I decided to help him with many things. Every time, I visited the church, he fetched me because he was not in the church anymore and he can do and go out anytime. For many times, he did that for me. Since, he stayed at his school’s dorm after he was kicked out from the church, I sometimes slept with him. Starting that time, I called Toey just sometimes because I was with Ball. I called Ball many times and we were talking for an hour, until two hours, and even more than that. I fell in love with him and I told him about it. He said, it was ok for him because I’m good/kind person.  He was Grade 12 that time and preparing for his University. I told him that I might be teaching in Bangkok because I applied a school there and since he was going to be in University so we had decided to stay together.

He graduated in high school and we went to Bangkok staying together. After two months of staying, I got a teaching job but not in Bangkok though it was in nearby province. We looked for an apartment accessible by both us. We found somewhere at the middle. I helped him with so many things because we stayed together and his mother entrusted him to me. There were times we had quarreled and got calls from his mother reminding us to understand each other because we only had ourselves to lean on. There were many quarrels we fixed and solved but since he was in University already and had got many friends, I felt like he gave me less important. That’s what made me sad and caused of our quarrels for many times. Until time came, he had thrown me heavy words which I can’t accept. I told him to get out from the room and never come back. And yes, he did that.

I knew him for a long time and stayed with him for more than a year. I kept on thinking of him. I always asked myself, what if I didn’t let him go. Everything between us was just memories. After 3 months, we contacted each other and met again. We were talking about what happened. He asked forgiveness for those words he had said to me. He didn’t mean it and he was just controlled by his anger. He said, let’s be friends again because when we were friends, we didn’t quarrel that much and expectations were less. Starting that time, we chatted and shared those guys came to our lives. We agreed to let each other see first the guy we are going to build a relationship with and judge that guy if compatible for us.

To be continued……..

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LIVING TOGETHER WITH THE CUTEST GUY IN OUR DEPARTMENT (4. GAY LIFE) ………Continuation…….

I had imagined many things with those guys I was attracted with. I’m sure everyone understands what I mean. When you are inspired, there are many inspiring things you can assume and think of, right? That moment when we were together at the same classroom and we even seated together made my whole college years the most and the best thing ever happened in my life. Yes, starting that moment, we were together and never separated in class. We were living in the same roof starting 2^nd semester of 2^nd year college and we even worked together for almost 3 years in the same school we were teaching. I am with him for 7 years straight, not because as his lover but as his best friend. Well for me, there were many times I thought of more than that but the reality told me, our relationship was limited  to being best friends and never be more than that. But, those years of being together, we had shared many bromance stuffs. I had done many things intentionally and even planned something to get his heart.

Starting from the enrollment of 2^nd Semester of 2^nd year college until our internship, we always enrolled together for us to be in the same section. He had noticed that his grades were improving because we always studied together, helped each other, cheated with our answers in the exam/quiz and did our projects together. Sometimes, we got together with our classmates but most of the time we were alone together. His fraternity friends felt bad because he can’t go with them and attend their meetings and they told him about us. We were like gay couple and his friends were afraid if I might take advantage on him. His friends treated me us gay person and I’m sure our classmates too. One time, one of our friendly professors told me if I did confess my feeling to him because why we were always together. The other professor called our attention because I did answer his homework and my penmanship was very clear on that paper. He told us, what I did was perjury. But what I loved most was, our male handsome professor told us that what we did together was exemplary. We did our best together to get high grades then he told us, he had someone with him too when he was still studying.

I did many things for him especially after his wedding day. Yes, he got married to a woman. After being so close with him for 9 months and he was very busy after the wedding. He had family to take care of and study at the same time. His schooling was affected but I tried my best to study hard for me to share with him during examination/quiz day and of course we tried our best not to get caught by our professors. Yes, the reality clearly told me that I don’t have a chance anymore. After his wedding, I checked my feeling for him and start thinking of him as my best friend. It was really hard not because I can’t accept he was married but because I can’t think of him as my best friend. Still, I’m madly in love with him.

He was married but our closeness was getting better and better. I felt, he truly cared for me as his best friend. We always stayed together, prayed together, sang together, ate together, exercised together and studied together. This was my life with him during our college years. The other thing we did together many times was watching pornography (it was not gay porn though). Yes, many times. I saw everything in him and in fact, I had been fantasizing him for many times. Not only had we watched porn but masturbate together and I can’t forget his reaction when he reached the peak. I remembered, we agreed to do a hand job and I did but he realized it was gay thing so he let me stopped. He loved wearing boxer shorts and I liked him so much wearing those because I can clearly saw his bulge. When he was sleeping, I always stared at him watching everything in him (I was careful then if he wakes up or his wife might see me).

He knew I am gay for sure (Yes, he confirmed after my coming out) but we never talked about it. Not only I had helped his schooling but also his family. When his wife delivered their two sons, I was there helping every errand I can do. I am one of the godfathers of all his sons. Sometimes, I sub as a mother (hehehe) because many times, we brought his sons to the doctor for immunization because his wife can’t go due to health condition. I was closed to their children. In fact, from the bed of my heart, I treated them as my own sons. It took many years before my feeling was sure of treating him as truly my best friend and nothing more (went abroad helped me).

It happened; we were living in the same roof because the parents of his wife helped me to work as working student. I moved out from the gay couple who hired me to do the household chores and stayed with them. That time on, we were together in everything, from 2^nd semester of 2^nd year college until we graduated and then until 3 years working together in the same school.

To be continued…………….

My role in this life (gay life)

The time when my mind opened (gay life)

The best thing ever happened in my life (gay life)

THE BEST THING EVER HAPPENED IN MY LIFE (3. GAY LIFE)....Continuation...

Infatuation love is part of our lives. It plays as our inspiration especially if that someone we like is at our school/classroom/close to us. There were many guys I like when I was still a student and even until now. Well, I had the best thing ever happened in my life. It happened when I started my college years. I enrolled in education program in a community college because it’s cheap. I don’t find it as a standard school because I would like to study in a big university but since my family doesn’t have enough money so I ended studying in a community college (only later, I appreciate the quality and standard of the school).

My family is a market vendor. We have a farm but it doesn’t give much to support our studies and the basic needs every day. I help my parents to sell fruits at the public market starting when I was in Grade 7 until 1^st year college. In fact, I doubled my time during my 1^st year in college because the tuition fee is big. So, I sell fruits during daytime and study at night time. I have told myself to study hard since this time is for the sake of my future.

During the first semester, I was in section C and the elementary education department has 3 sections (A, B and C). The first month, I knew my classmates from section C but only few from sections A and B. I have noticed some of the cute guys in my section but I’m not that into them until one day. The girls from my section were screaming because the cutest guy from section A passed by in our section and I peeped from the window. I was hit by his cuteness, it’s my first time seeing him and indeed he was the cutest guy in our department.

From that time on, I can’t help myself thinking of him, I imagined many events in my mind of how we meet and get his heart and finally making love. I felt like crazy back then and he really became my inspiration to go to school even I’m sick because I just wanted to see him. Some of our professors were the same since we were in the same department and our professors update us with the result of the exam or long quiz and sometimes, we asked the result from other sections, so we knew who excelled in every section and I am one of them from section C. He didn’t know me until the 1^st semester closed and all I can do was thinking of him.

I was so happy during the 2^nd Semester because we were in the same section (A).  The education department had few guys, few gays and many girls. In our batch, we were around hundred plus and around 20 guys including gays. But my happiness was just until 3 days because he transferred to section C. His friends were there. But then I was happy again because one of my close friends from high school transferred to my school so we went together during vacant time. One night, while we were talking with my close girl friend, we were talking about our crush at school then I told her how deeply I am in love with that guy in our department. Only her knew about it and no one from my section until the second semester ended.

My family cannot pay my tuition fee for the next school year. So, I decided to work and study. A gay couple hired me for household chores work. I stayed in their house and studied at night time. So, I was a working student starting the 2^nd year of my college years.

During the 1^st day of 1^st semester (2^nd year college), I was so upset because I was the only guy in my section. But during the 2^nd day, I was surprised even my other classmates because the cutest guy in our department went inside our section and looking for a seat. I knew that time he was in our section but in my mind, he might transfer again where his friends are. During the first period, he was sitting at the back of the classroom. I guess, he noticed, we were the only two guys in the classroom. After our professor went out, the class started talking with each other until one of our religious classmates told us that we are going to form a religious club and anyone can join regardless of our religious background. I came from religious family, 5 of my father’s brothers were pastors and my father was deacon at the church and I’m pretty knowledgeable of the Bible and in fact I have memorized many verses.

I have realized that he was actually a Christian and he told us, he was a new Christian. That time, four of us circled together talked something about our beliefs, we all shared together but I shared a lot because I memorized many verses. When the next professor entered the classroom, he asked me to sit beside me and I was dying of happiness deep in my heart. That week, he was forced by his friends to transfer so that if there’s activity in their fraternity, he can join anytime. But thank God, he didn’t transfer. That was the start of my everyday happiness. I felt like the school was heaven because the guy sitting beside me was the cutest guy in our department and I’m totally in love with him.

To be continued………

The time when my mind opened (gay life)

My role in this life (gay life)

THE TIME WHEN MY MIND OPENED (2. GAY LIFE)…….Continuation…….

There were many things I cannot forget that happened in my life because I guess, it’s part of the role I need to play in this life. This was something part of my gay life. I don’t know if my gay personality is obvious when I was a child but as far as I remembered, I used to play with boys and girls in our small village and I haven’t teased as gay with my playmates but I remembered, I was asked by an older lady neighbor if I’m gay or not when I was in Grade 7 (1^st year high school). This was the only encounter I have remembered. Unlike my cousin, he was the one being teased before but he never told me if he was gay and I don’t know why he was constantly teased by our playmates as gay until something happened.

I have many friends in my childhood years and I considered my cousin as the best of them. He was known for being clever not just in our small village but he proved that in every competition in big schools. He taught me a lot with our lessons and I cheated many times because he allowed me to do so. My cousin was actually known in our school and church as clever/smart child. In our family, he was and his siblings were the favorite of my grandmother. All of my cousins have noticed that and we were talking about this many times and we were jealous. My teacher praised him all the time not just because he was smart but also because he was cute and he was always center of attraction in every activity we had in school.

In the church, we had prayer meeting every Wednesday night and we were used to sleep in my cousin’s house. Then other nights either, we slept in my house, in his house or our other cousin’s house. And there was one thing we noticed with our cousin (my best cousin). We didn’t know why he was kept on hugging us. Everyone who slept beside him talked this thing about him. This thing he used to do is until now. I witnessed this myself, he kept on hugging me every time he slept beside me. But I have never felt bad on what he was doing until one time. I remembered, it was daytime after school when we were in Grade 4. He hugged me for long time until we lied on the floor and he kept pushing his body on me while hugging me. Even though we never take off our clothes but that time my mind opened. That incident took quite long time and whenever I remembered that, I was thinking, I guess he cum. I cannot forget that incident throughout my life because that’s the only time my mind opened and I felt weird. That incident didn’t happen again until I was in teenager in Grade 9. He did the same. There were only two events I have remembered, there was other one but it’s different. When I was in Grade 10, I remembered, I got a high fever and I was shocked when he asked me, did someone fuck you because he wondered why I have that high fever and then whispered, “That’s what happened to me when our other cousin fucked me”. We never talked about it, there was time I want but I feel not good to do so. He never told me if he was gay or not but I’m sure, I am.

To be continued...........

My Role in this Life (Gay Life)

MY ROLE IN THIS LIFE (1. GAY LIFE)

The main reason why I’m writing right now is because I’m fucking bored not just my present situation but the life I have now. I have taught to value one’s life because it’s an amazing gift from above but I don’t know why I think my life as inferior. Each of us has burdens and each of us has different or same ways to ease those burdens. I’m from a good family, a religious family and my parents have been teaching me many things in life. Now that I’m 28 years old, I feel like anything happens in my life, I have to face alone and yes I did and I think, I have been like this since my childhood years, I just realize it now. 

 I’m thinking to share a portion of my life. It’s just a portion but it plays a great role in my life and I guess throughout my life. I’m sure that I’m part of the LGBT community because I’m gay. I thought it’s an influence or because of something happened to me when I was a child, or because it’s a curse (fruit of sin, religious aspect) but I’m sure now that I was born and will die as gay person because this is who really am in this life. This is my role and I have been playing it for 28 years already. I don’t know what will happen to my role in 29 years old onwards but I guess I need to play my role as the days come and pass. 

 Part of the event happened in my role was when I did my coming out. Everyone has something noticed in me already because being gay is noticeable I guess but confirmation should be made if the person has confessed already. My parents and siblings have noticed me for sure, I don’t have a formal conversation with them but for sure they know because I’m vulgar with my acceptance/support to the LGBT community because of course I’m one of them. Sometimes when my father has something bad to say about being gay, I stood up to reason out for them because I feel like he is also talking to me.

 I don’t know why I did my coming out to my best friend (straight married man) first, I guess it’s because he is important to me and because I have so much good memories with him. It’s a video that I sent to him and allowed him to share it with his family and the people in the house. Then, I started to be bold in social media by reasoning and fighting for my LGBT views against to those who are against to this. It happened that I’m debating with many people I am close with from the church and I took it personally. So I went out from the church but I know they have good intentions. 

 After my coming out, I started living as who I am and I have encountered many things especially with the relationship aspect. I have in mind that, I have to enter in a relationship same with the standard of the heterosexual people’s way .Gay relationship is labeled as game relationship. You can have relationship with anyone you like that’s why it has known to be as/ with multiple relationship. I think because there’s no standard for us to follow and I guess because of how people perceive this relationship. I have opened my eyes witnessing the bad comment and perception of gay relationship. It has been 3 years since I did my coming out and I don’t have any serious relationships but one thing for sure, I’m serious with my feelings to everyone I attached with. For now, this is the portion that I want to share for today, it’s general but my next writing is something specific with my relationship encounter. In my mind is just want to share this thing for now to ease my boredom but I’m thinking to write again more specific. BTW. just call me Jhong. 

 To be continued…….