Sexual orientation has a big
impact in everyone’s life. It’s a pattern of feeling to someone you are
attracted with. It’s a natural feeling we feel to someone. Majority of the
people are attracted to opposite sex that’s why people think this as the standard,
natural and everyone is bound to this orientation alone and nothing else. It
happened that this sexual orientation of mine was toward sex same. I knew it
the moment my heart started to have attraction to someone. I knew it when I was
still a child. But, it was so unfortunate and I was so disappointed that the
people surround me didn’t agree this kind of feeling. Yes, I have witnessed and
opened my mind knowing people were against this kind of orientation.
I have grown up knowing this
as unnatural, a sin (fruit of sin), a curse, a mental illness, a choice and
many more from my parents, churches, and the society itself. I have grown up
hating this kind of thing. Since I fully knew from the start that this was me,
also, I have developed hate of myself. I have always asked God, why me, why I’m
part of them, why this happened to me. I have always prayed of change. Many times
I deceived myself that I’m not this kind of person anymore. I acted straight but
it ended the same. I was then a homophobic; I tried to avoid people like them
because they were products of sin. I have grown up with so much negative
thoughts in mind because the main reason was I’m one of them. I fully knew that
I never changed even how faithful I am to my beliefs and how honest/sincere I
am for a change. I am in the church and I deceived them all not because my
faith was unreal but because they knew me oppositely.
I grew up as a Christian.
Church was my life. I fully knew our doctrines. Homosexuality is a sin. The
church doctrine kept on teaching this and no one born this way. Homosexual
people need to change and should never practice this thing. So, every time I
was attracted to same sex, I have always rebuked myself and since it was still the
same next day, I kept on rebuking myself. It was then a major struggle of my
life. I have never attracted to any girls. Well, I tried but never been even
once. I was thinking then, the right of liking and loving someone was denied/
withheld for me. Even though, I was thinking like this but I can’t help myself
loving someone. That’s why this was the major sin I have asked forgiveness every
time I prayed. This was the only sin I have used to pray and ask forgiveness
from God.
These hate, homophobia, and
negative thoughts were totally stopped when I was 25 years old. I gave up my
struggle partly because I chose to follow my love and totally accepted myself
that I am born this way. I did my coming out and started to live as homosexual
person. I started to study gay Christian views and at last I totally accepted
myself as who really am. Heterosexual people will surely think this as my
choice and they are right. I chose to accept myself. I chose to live the life I
should have. I chose to be a gay Christian. Out of these choices I chose, I
have never chosen to be born as gay and I have never chosen to have attraction
toward same sex. If only I have to choose.
To be continued…….
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